i belong nowhere
there is a strange feeling follow me sometime
it appears in a quiet moment — when i am walking home after work, when i am sitting in a cafe alone, when i lying in bed or simply just scrolling through photos of people who seem rooted in their lives. it whisper: you don’t belong here.
and the truth is, i am not even sure where “here” even is.
i left home to build something for myself, a career. or maybe the truth is i left home because it’s been my dream to live in a strange land where nobody knows my name. a new chapter. a version of me that felt braver than the one who stayed. living abroad sounds exciting, and the truth its been my dream i have always prayed for. independent, ambitious, free and in many ways — it is.
but no one talks about the invisible space you enter when you leave.
in my new city, i am the foreigner. the one with an accent. the one who is still learning the rhythm of the place. the one who still figured out all the places through the maps, who suddenly knows how to read one. i adapt. i observed — i try to blend in, but there is always a small distance between me and everyone else.
and i when i go back home something feels different too. although i still choose the foreign land again — and again.
the streets are the same. the food tastes familiar. the language feels easy. but i am no longer the same person who left. my mindset has shifted, my dreams are bigger, my fears are different. i love home — but i don’t fully fit there anymore either.
so where do i belong?
i have asked myself quite a lot and this question come to my mind frequently, nor i dont want to answer or i simply did not have exact answer fot this one. maybe the reason i feel like i belong nowhere is because i am in transition.
belonging is often tied to familiarity. to sameness, to comfort zone. but growth requires discomfort. it requires stepping into rooms where you are unknown. it requires becoming someone your old environment does not fully recognise.
perhaps i don’t belong anywhere because this is what i choose for myself. this is the dream that i am always talking about — being in a foreign land, experiencing all the possibilities and being in between.
the in between feels lonely, scarier and full of surprises, unexpected things sometimes. i won’t lie about that.
but it also feel alive.
because when you belong nowhere, you are not confined by expectations. you are limited by who you used to be. you are not trapped inside one version of yourself.
maybe belonging is not about finding a place that holds you — maybe it is about becoming someone who can hold herself — anywhere.
and maybe one day; if there is a right place and time i would find home where everything feels right, and I would not question it anymore.